How Blame Erodes Connection and Trust, While Responsibility Strengthens It.

In my last post, I asked, “When the Shit Hits the Fan, Do you Blame Others or Take Personal Responsibility?”

Instead of focusing on specific events happening in the world, I thought it would be helpful to examine how and why people are behaving in challenging and different ways. If we are committed to recognizing human dignity, cultivating freedom and respect, leadership with integrity demands that we take personal responsibility for our thoughts, behaviours, and actions. The better we can recognize and identify the cause of the problems that are causing fear, hatred, and prejudice, the more effective we will inspire others to follow our lead on a path towards equanimity and peace.

With that said, let’s take a more in-depth look at blame and responsibility and how they play out in leadership.

Sometimes people hear the phrase personal responsibility and assume that means they must feel guilt or shame.

That’s the furthest thing from the truth. Responsibility allows for accountability, for taking ownership of a challenge, but without the corrosive, emotional heaviness of blame. Responsibility is about integrity—not punishment.

Before I look at how blame and responsibility show up in leadership, allow me to share with you how I define leadership.

Leadership, as I define it, has a broad scope of meaningful action that can’t be dogmatically defined.

To lead and to be a leader doesn’t mean you must manage or supervise people, nor does it require you to stand for a cause in the public eye.

Instead, leadership is about the values you embody, how you lead yourself, and the heartfelt mission you are pursuing to make a difference. And whether that’s behind the scenes or in publicly, what matters is your conviction. Leadership is about how you act and show up in the world with integrity, versus holding a specific role with a job title.

The Focus of Blame versus Responsibility

Assigning blame to others or a situation is about finding fault and specifically pointing the finger at the culprit.

Taking responsibility looks inward and owns the situation, not as the person at fault, but by being curious about what can be learned. You choose to understand the nature of the challenge so that you can take steps to rectify it with an appropriate solution.

Effects of Blame versus Responsibility

Blame creates and increases fear and defensiveness. People try to hide their mistakes or shift accountability and deflect.

When the leader takes responsibility for a problem or a mistake, their actions build trust and psychological safety with members of their team or those who look up to them. When the leadership demonstrates honesty through personal responsibility, others become more willing to admit mistakes, ask for support, and go on to come up with better and more innovative solutions.

Culture of Blame versus Responsibility

In the workplace, society, and politics, blame breeds distrust, aggressive and cut-throat competition.

Paradoxically, blame may foster risk avoidance and progress, which creates “Yes-men” and acquiescence. People learn that if they make a mistake, they will be punished, shamed, or humiliated instead of having the opportunity to learn from what they did wrong.

Personal responsibility takes a humane path of collaboration and accountability without accusation. This develops resilience and fosters open communication and dialogue because challenges are faced collectively and constructively.

How Blame and Responsibility Affect a Leader’s “Posture”

This is where everything comes together: how the leader shows up in the world.

The leader who distances themselves from the problem assigns fault elsewhere. They will show up as emotionally reactive, quick to judgement, and may seek to punish others.

On the other hand, the responsible leader is accountable, curious, and open-minded. Instead of pointing fingers, they will ask,

- What can I own in this situation?

- What can we learn from this problem and as a team?

- How do we move forward together to rectify this situation and improve things?

A simple practice:

We are living in an age of “go faster, work harder, push more.” The demands in the workplace and what we are witnessing playing out in the world all seem to demand our immediate attention. And if we don’t respond immediately, we feel or are told we are to blame.

Where we find ourselves is part of the problem, and we don’t have to continue the vicious cycle of assigning blame or demanding to know, “Who messed this up?”

Instead, we can choose the path of responsibility that demonstrates personal integrity and respects the integrity of others.

As a leader in the workplace, you can say, “This didn’t go as planned. Let’s look honestly at what happened and what each of us—including me—can do differently.”

If you’re a leader supporting a cause for human rights and justice, you can start by asking, “What’s within my control to address or repair?” This means that you clearly identify the harm or injustice and acknowledge the systems at play. From there, you invite others to collaborate on actionable steps to move forward in a way that aligns with your values and principles.

Instead of mirroring blame and fault-finding that’s so prevalent on social media and in politics, you can decide to lead differently.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Blame feels easy because you can deflect responsibility and move on. However, the cost of blame is higher in the long run and more painful to rectify.

Decide to lead with integrity and personal responsibility.

This is the ONLY way to make meaningful, transformative change that cultivates humanity, empowers individuals, and inspires others to follow your lead.

Queer Leaders who take responsibility don’t wait for permission to improve things.

Instead, they create the conditions for clarity and trust. But doing that work alone leads to burnout, overwhelm, and second-guessing your decisions.

Right now, I’m offering free Queer Leadership Strategy Calls to help you clarify your next steps, strengthen your convictions, and lead with integrity—without falling into the trap of blame, exhaustion, or self-doubt.

During our call, we will map out what’s within your control, identify the shifts in your thinking that will make a difference, and create a strategy that respects your principles and well-being.

👉 Request your free coaching session today and take the first step toward leadership that cultivates dignity, connection, and meaningful change.